He thought the only thing I wanted was - the only thing she wanted from me.
He did'nt have for me, to give, the only thing that I wanted from him, tho it was the only thing I had to give her....but she did'nt want it from me.
Let me explain what this means. Remember in my first post I told you about my biological father "Bill" leaving me before I was born, then they divorced in November 1956? My step father married my mother, then adopting me and my sister in 1961, giving us his name. Then after 6 1/2 years they divorced and he won custudy of my 4 sisters and me.
I remember first hearing about my step father not being my real father sometime after 1968, my sister Tari,(she was so persistant about things always!) found the adoption and divorce papers and showed me that my name was different until 1961. She said "lets get ahold of our Bill and tell him off!" I said "whats it to me?" it didnt affect me one way or the other, it must have her tho. Like I also said earlier, my mother and Tari were like buddies, so she probly confided with Tari and kept her stirred up concerning this matter.
So she never did try contacting him ( that I know of ) before she died.
My mother was so - always keeping things stirred up, that was the way she was, everything she did, just couldnt/wouldnt leave it alone! Tari was like that too, I have some of that in me too!
It sounds like she kept in constant contact with Bill thru the years, much to his present wife's displeasure! When Tari died in 1980, she made sure he was at her funeral. (what a heavy atmosphere that was!) those that were there, know what I am talking about.
My mother...like I said, very persistant, tennacious about everything she did! She was the best cook, she could sew/make clothes from scratch, very talented, she played a mean ukelele, gardening, she could draw well, so creative, and what an imagination! She came up with(and created) the best Halloween costumes in the neighborhood!
But, she was also as persistant in the more negative things too. When there was suspicion, arguments, bitterness, resentment, it was with everthing she had... When me and my two sisters walked home from the Catholic school we were in, in the early 1960's, I kinda enjoyed the walk home, but the closer we got to the house, the more impending doom came all over me ( and my sister too, I think). If she was doing housework (that I guess she hated!) and she was vacuuming the upstairs and steps, we would start hearing the vacuum cleaner a few houses away, uhhg! first one in (ME) well not a pleasant situation!
If only she were shown and given love, kindness, pleasantness, affection...she could and probly would have given it...with everything she had!
Anyway...she advised me a few times (after I had settled down almost 20 years later) that I should call him, I didnt really want to, He didnt seem much interested in me at the funeral, seems if he wanted anything to do with me, he would make some kind of effort? I did call him once in the 90's, he didnt say much and not much responce to my questions. Normally I would take the blame for "dud" conversations because I am not a good conversationalist, but now, looking back, it wouldnt matter how great of a talker I was or not, he wasn't interested!
My mother died in 2003, my Aunt asked if I had told my Bill that she had died? I kinda didnt have the feeling that it would matter too much to him, but I called and he told me that another Aunt had
already called and told him.
Well I had no contact with anyone of the family members till September 2009, nobody tried contacting me, and since I was raised thinking, "dont talk unless you are being questioned", I didnt try contacting them, for I figured if they didnt contact me, then they didnt want any contact with me. This mindset is no doubt something not right on my part, but nevertheless, it is the way I think.
Summer of 2009, my wife asked if I was ever going to try locating Patti, my little girl who would be 19 years old. I said I dont know where to start.
So then I noticed how popular this "facebook" was out there in the world especially with young folks, good chance she would be on it, so I found a picture of a girl from Indiana, right age, in college in Ohio, so I got an account without my name ( because I know the people she could be with wouldnt want her to have anything to do with me) so I wrote an inquiry to her. She responded! She knew of me! She freinded me and let me see her pictures and let me call her, I was right, they got upset with her for allowing me access to her.
Well we talked a few times, it seemed to me so strained, I would ask questions, she would "sorta" answer them, then wait for the next question. Maybe she was raised like me, "only talk when questioned" (she is MY daughter! after all ) I tried to find what kind of person she was, was she like me? or more like her mother, what kind of childhood she had, what her interests were, what she had heard about me? Whatever she knew of me had to have come from her mother ( and she hated me ) for the grandparents never knew me, when I mentioned that fact, she snapped at me saying something about bitterness, I don't know where she got that responce! I did meet grandma a couple times breifly. She would not tell me much except that after she was about four or five years old after much neglect and abuse she was taken to grandmas house and raised by her. She did not ask much about me except about her two brothers Zac & Zeke. She did ask me if the reason that her mother treated her so bad was because she was my daughter? I said ...probably. After that the conversations were me asking questions and her answering ( if I got an answer ) were very short snips, then.... Abrubtly end till I try to contact again a few weeks later.....
In my mind I was so sure that she would want to know everything about me, and she would want to drop everything she was doing just to keep our conversation going. No....this is how I thought, not
her. I was not prepared for the gymnastics my emotions went thru for the next few months! If I had any idea what was instore for me, I might not have tried to contact her.
This is the time period (which was not before my mother died, when Patti was only 13 years old and not on facebook yet!) that I wrote her the letter that was the inspiration behind the first article of this "my journal", relatives have asked why I waited till after my mother died, to write all the terrible things I wrote about her, first place, that first article was pretty much what I wrote to Patti, discribing alittle (and that, very little!) of my childhood. Who can write a history of his life without writting about their childhood either good or bad? What a mother does with her child in his first five years of life, affect the rest of his life! Good or bad! I wanted Patti to know WHAT I did not have MY first year, is something that I made sure I gave her! Love! She did not get it from her mother, I know!...second, my writing of my story was not about my mother, but about ME! "hudgee- the way "I" saw it thru MY eyes, not the way anyone else saw it thru their understanding of something they did not see, but just heard about!
But she didnt ask much about me! I came to the conclusion that she was not interested in me.
All of this really puzzled me throughout 2010.
I really thought that the man that fathered me into this world, would like to know something about me after 54 years of knowing nothing of me. I never even considered what happened back there, no one has told me. Why wouldn't he care? I was not bitter with him, thinking that he owed me anything or an explanation as to why he left me before I born and left ME with the one he would not stay with. Like I said, I was not bitter or sad about that fact, but that is the fact of the matter!
We were going to meet at the auto show in Gatlinburg Tennessee in April 2010, but that did not work out. He did call me about then and said," I don't know why you would want anything to do with me, why do you want to meet with me? " I said that I want to see what kind of person he was, and that maybe I do understand, after all, I did live with my mother a lot longer than he did, so I knew what she was like. Yes this is true, but I find later, I really did not understand like I thought. I guess it's
possible that he felt some guilt, and maybe fear that I would want to harm him in some way, now that
I think about it.
May 2011, Zac graduated from high school, in June the school went to Shephardsville Kentucky for the summer Campmeeting. Not long after they got back I decided that my two boys and me should go somewhere and do something together, we haven't been able to do much lately, being momma has been very sick since 2002. So I rented a car for a week and I called my father "Bill" and Patti ( both in Indiana ) and set up a meeting with Bill and his family in Elkhart, then with Patti in Indianopolis later the same day. So we drove straight to Shephardsville Ky, and stayed in a cabin on the campground. The next day we went to Chicago and spent the whole day walking the city, we saw a lot during our walk, the weather was great! So we got out of there about
9:00 pm
and made it to our motel in Elkhart, Indiana so in the morning we went to Bill's house.
We stayed a couple of hours, I think they were nervous, I wasn't. Zac & Zeke were just observing. First thing Bill did was hand me a hundred dollar bill, I don't really know why. It was him, his wife,( who so happens to be the high school sweetheart he left back in Indiana, when he went into AirForce and stationed in Honolulu.... Btw) a son and daughter, my half brother and sister whom I've never met before now. There was a little talk about what I did and what the boys were going to do. Some talk of my mother, and I told him how I nearly died at birth ( which he knew nothing of ) and how I was treated for the first 12 years of my life, until she left. We looked around some, them left. I think ALL were relieved when that happened! I did take a trip into their house for a minute before we left, I was alone, I got looking at the pictures on the wall and saw a picture that resembled one I had seen before.
So we drove to Indianopolis and met Patti at a sports bar downtown. We talked a little while she drank a drink, then we walked around some. We got to the car garage when she mentioned gas money, I handed her all the cash I had ( only $24 ) she left.
It was the long drive back to Florida as I drove, that I came to that conclusion, Bill knew why he left way back in 1956, I don't know if my mother knew at the time or not, but she probably figured it out soon enough. He could not give me what I wanted, which was the knowing that he was forced to
leave because of the way my mother was! ( I think that was only a small part of the reason ) I dont know if he thought I already knew what really happened back there or not, I didn't, still don't! I figure if he did think I knew, that would be the reason he would ask " why would you want anything to do with me? " a year earlier, and he would think that I would want "THE ONLY THING THAT SHE WANTED FROM ME"
I gave my half sister the link to my story, but I don't think she read it, but I don't blame her either, After all.....
http://hudgee-thewayiseeit.blogspot.com
And then, I wanted so bad for Patti to want from me the only thing I had for her, which was, the assurance that I did not leave her and reject her and that I had no choice or say so in loosing her and that I loved her and invested all I had in her until she was taken from me! Just to realize that she did not want that from me, but that she wanted something I did not have. After all....
He did'nt have for me, to give, the only thing that I wanted from him, tho it was the only thing I had to give her....but she did'nt want it from me.
Let me explain what this means. Remember in my first post I told you about my biological father "Bill" leaving me before I was born, then they divorced in November 1956? My step father married my mother, then adopting me and my sister in 1961, giving us his name. Then after 6 1/2 years they divorced and he won custudy of my 4 sisters and me.
I remember first hearing about my step father not being my real father sometime after 1968, my sister Tari,(she was so persistant about things always!) found the adoption and divorce papers and showed me that my name was different until 1961. She said "lets get ahold of our Bill and tell him off!" I said "whats it to me?" it didnt affect me one way or the other, it must have her tho. Like I also said earlier, my mother and Tari were like buddies, so she probly confided with Tari and kept her stirred up concerning this matter.
So she never did try contacting him ( that I know of ) before she died.
My mother was so - always keeping things stirred up, that was the way she was, everything she did, just couldnt/wouldnt leave it alone! Tari was like that too, I have some of that in me too!
It sounds like she kept in constant contact with Bill thru the years, much to his present wife's displeasure! When Tari died in 1980, she made sure he was at her funeral. (what a heavy atmosphere that was!) those that were there, know what I am talking about.
My mother...like I said, very persistant, tennacious about everything she did! She was the best cook, she could sew/make clothes from scratch, very talented, she played a mean ukelele, gardening, she could draw well, so creative, and what an imagination! She came up with(and created) the best Halloween costumes in the neighborhood!
But, she was also as persistant in the more negative things too. When there was suspicion, arguments, bitterness, resentment, it was with everthing she had... When me and my two sisters walked home from the Catholic school we were in, in the early 1960's, I kinda enjoyed the walk home, but the closer we got to the house, the more impending doom came all over me ( and my sister too, I think). If she was doing housework (that I guess she hated!) and she was vacuuming the upstairs and steps, we would start hearing the vacuum cleaner a few houses away, uhhg! first one in (ME) well not a pleasant situation!
If only she were shown and given love, kindness, pleasantness, affection...she could and probly would have given it...with everything she had!
Anyway...she advised me a few times (after I had settled down almost 20 years later) that I should call him, I didnt really want to, He didnt seem much interested in me at the funeral, seems if he wanted anything to do with me, he would make some kind of effort? I did call him once in the 90's, he didnt say much and not much responce to my questions. Normally I would take the blame for "dud" conversations because I am not a good conversationalist, but now, looking back, it wouldnt matter how great of a talker I was or not, he wasn't interested!
My mother died in 2003, my Aunt asked if I had told my Bill that she had died? I kinda didnt have the feeling that it would matter too much to him, but I called and he told me that another Aunt had
already called and told him.
Well I had no contact with anyone of the family members till September 2009, nobody tried contacting me, and since I was raised thinking, "dont talk unless you are being questioned", I didnt try contacting them, for I figured if they didnt contact me, then they didnt want any contact with me. This mindset is no doubt something not right on my part, but nevertheless, it is the way I think.
Summer of 2009, my wife asked if I was ever going to try locating Patti, my little girl who would be 19 years old. I said I dont know where to start.
So then I noticed how popular this "facebook" was out there in the world especially with young folks, good chance she would be on it, so I found a picture of a girl from Indiana, right age, in college in Ohio, so I got an account without my name ( because I know the people she could be with wouldnt want her to have anything to do with me) so I wrote an inquiry to her. She responded! She knew of me! She freinded me and let me see her pictures and let me call her, I was right, they got upset with her for allowing me access to her.
Well we talked a few times, it seemed to me so strained, I would ask questions, she would "sorta" answer them, then wait for the next question. Maybe she was raised like me, "only talk when questioned" (she is MY daughter! after all ) I tried to find what kind of person she was, was she like me? or more like her mother, what kind of childhood she had, what her interests were, what she had heard about me? Whatever she knew of me had to have come from her mother ( and she hated me ) for the grandparents never knew me, when I mentioned that fact, she snapped at me saying something about bitterness, I don't know where she got that responce! I did meet grandma a couple times breifly. She would not tell me much except that after she was about four or five years old after much neglect and abuse she was taken to grandmas house and raised by her. She did not ask much about me except about her two brothers Zac & Zeke. She did ask me if the reason that her mother treated her so bad was because she was my daughter? I said ...probably. After that the conversations were me asking questions and her answering ( if I got an answer ) were very short snips, then.... Abrubtly end till I try to contact again a few weeks later.....
In my mind I was so sure that she would want to know everything about me, and she would want to drop everything she was doing just to keep our conversation going. No....this is how I thought, not
her. I was not prepared for the gymnastics my emotions went thru for the next few months! If I had any idea what was instore for me, I might not have tried to contact her.
This is the time period (which was not before my mother died, when Patti was only 13 years old and not on facebook yet!) that I wrote her the letter that was the inspiration behind the first article of this "my journal", relatives have asked why I waited till after my mother died, to write all the terrible things I wrote about her, first place, that first article was pretty much what I wrote to Patti, discribing alittle (and that, very little!) of my childhood. Who can write a history of his life without writting about their childhood either good or bad? What a mother does with her child in his first five years of life, affect the rest of his life! Good or bad! I wanted Patti to know WHAT I did not have MY first year, is something that I made sure I gave her! Love! She did not get it from her mother, I know!...second, my writing of my story was not about my mother, but about ME! "hudgee- the way "I" saw it thru MY eyes, not the way anyone else saw it thru their understanding of something they did not see, but just heard about!
But she didnt ask much about me! I came to the conclusion that she was not interested in me.
All of this really puzzled me throughout 2010.
I really thought that the man that fathered me into this world, would like to know something about me after 54 years of knowing nothing of me. I never even considered what happened back there, no one has told me. Why wouldn't he care? I was not bitter with him, thinking that he owed me anything or an explanation as to why he left me before I born and left ME with the one he would not stay with. Like I said, I was not bitter or sad about that fact, but that is the fact of the matter!
We were going to meet at the auto show in Gatlinburg Tennessee in April 2010, but that did not work out. He did call me about then and said," I don't know why you would want anything to do with me, why do you want to meet with me? " I said that I want to see what kind of person he was, and that maybe I do understand, after all, I did live with my mother a lot longer than he did, so I knew what she was like. Yes this is true, but I find later, I really did not understand like I thought. I guess it's
possible that he felt some guilt, and maybe fear that I would want to harm him in some way, now that
I think about it.
May 2011, Zac graduated from high school, in June the school went to Shephardsville Kentucky for the summer Campmeeting. Not long after they got back I decided that my two boys and me should go somewhere and do something together, we haven't been able to do much lately, being momma has been very sick since 2002. So I rented a car for a week and I called my father "Bill" and Patti ( both in Indiana ) and set up a meeting with Bill and his family in Elkhart, then with Patti in Indianopolis later the same day. So we drove straight to Shephardsville Ky, and stayed in a cabin on the campground. The next day we went to Chicago and spent the whole day walking the city, we saw a lot during our walk, the weather was great! So we got out of there about
9:00 pm
and made it to our motel in Elkhart, Indiana so in the morning we went to Bill's house.
We stayed a couple of hours, I think they were nervous, I wasn't. Zac & Zeke were just observing. First thing Bill did was hand me a hundred dollar bill, I don't really know why. It was him, his wife,( who so happens to be the high school sweetheart he left back in Indiana, when he went into AirForce and stationed in Honolulu.... Btw) a son and daughter, my half brother and sister whom I've never met before now. There was a little talk about what I did and what the boys were going to do. Some talk of my mother, and I told him how I nearly died at birth ( which he knew nothing of ) and how I was treated for the first 12 years of my life, until she left. We looked around some, them left. I think ALL were relieved when that happened! I did take a trip into their house for a minute before we left, I was alone, I got looking at the pictures on the wall and saw a picture that resembled one I had seen before.
So we drove to Indianopolis and met Patti at a sports bar downtown. We talked a little while she drank a drink, then we walked around some. We got to the car garage when she mentioned gas money, I handed her all the cash I had ( only $24 ) she left.
It was the long drive back to Florida as I drove, that I came to that conclusion, Bill knew why he left way back in 1956, I don't know if my mother knew at the time or not, but she probably figured it out soon enough. He could not give me what I wanted, which was the knowing that he was forced to
leave because of the way my mother was! ( I think that was only a small part of the reason ) I dont know if he thought I already knew what really happened back there or not, I didn't, still don't! I figure if he did think I knew, that would be the reason he would ask " why would you want anything to do with me? " a year earlier, and he would think that I would want "THE ONLY THING THAT SHE WANTED FROM ME"
I gave my half sister the link to my story, but I don't think she read it, but I don't blame her either, After all.....
http://hudgee-thewayiseeit.blogspot.com
And then, I wanted so bad for Patti to want from me the only thing I had for her, which was, the assurance that I did not leave her and reject her and that I had no choice or say so in loosing her and that I loved her and invested all I had in her until she was taken from me! Just to realize that she did not want that from me, but that she wanted something I did not have. After all....
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