Not long after I got here in April 1990, I had a dream.
I was standing in front of a bar on Wright Street in Champaign-Urbana Illinois. This bar was named "Second Chance", It was one of those college bars up on campus at the University of Illinois that I had gone to, Live bands, chicks, beer, pool tables, pinball machines...
In this dream I dashed in, once in the front door, it was very dark as usual I hastily went for the kitchen doors, it seemed as if I was in eminent danger or maybe being chased, I don't know, but I went past everyone and everything to the back door.
But just before I went out the back door, there stood a young man with a red and white striped t-shirt on, he handed me an umbrella and said " here you'll need this"
Then I went out the back door into a wet, dark alley...
The next service I went to, a brother got up and talked and mentioned how this place is like an umbrella.
About the same time, the same brother told me, " One day brother Hudgens, you are going to be able to tell your testimony!"
All of these years and I have not really known what my testimony is-
The scripture: "you shall know the truth and the truth shall make you free"...
In my mind, the complete opposite of that, was where I was.
"I had known lies", "confusions and darkness"... And with these chains, I had been kept bound!
Christine once told me, "Tony, you are walking resentment"
She knew then what she was talking about, but I had no idea until now!
So what does THIS mean?
Yuck!
I look up "resentment"
Is a form of bitterness, I found an article called "emotional obesity"
--"I’m not angry. Sure I sometimes feel the emotion, but I don’t act on it."
--"I’m pretty conflict avoidant."
--"I don’t get involved in deep, emotional moments."
--"No one really cares about my feelings – why say them at all?"
--"I’m good. I don’t need to express my feelings. I just move on…"
How Resentment Works
There’s a deep pain that comes with not expressing your love for someone. In the same way, the problem with resentment is in it’s inexpression. It’s easy to hate and not say anything. It’s easy to see conflict, but It’s easy to let resentment bubble.
When you don’t express anger, it can stay with you. While it’s cliche, “bottling up your emotions”, can make for an erratic, maddening life. You burst out at random times. You get excessively angry at innocuous things. You don’t handle situations like you should handle them.
Whatever the case, the anger has to be released. So how do we better understand resentment and handle it?
Christine knew me real good, this the kinda thing she specialized in, being a substance abuse councilor... Hmmm
Tho I can see how I became this way!
But what came to my mind was;
"Made strong by the Word of our testimony"
This is the release that we are afforded ...
IF!
We would use just it!
So What really is my testimony?...
That I was bound by resentment ( the bottled up expression of love ) and fear and that I am freed
Rev 12:10 Now is come salvation, and strength, and the kingdom of our God, and the power of his Christ: for the accuser(my imaginations) of our brethren is cast down, which accused them before our God day and night.
11 And they overcame him by the blood of the Lamb, and by the word of their testimony; and they loved not their lives unto the death.
If I would just get up and express my love to GOD, His SON, His MINISTRY who rightly divide, as Jesus (Who is the WORD) did as he fed the people breaking the bread ( His Flesh) distributing according to their ranks. And as He shed forth His blood, (His SPIRIT... His life substance) that we're to drink.
Hebrews 1:3
3 Who being the brightness of his glory, and the express image of his person, and upholding all things by the word of his power, when he had by himself purged our sins, sat down on the right hand of the Majesty on high;
THE EXPRESS(ED) IMAGE OF HIS FATHER
God is Love...
Its not about "Venting Anger"
But "Expressing Love!"
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