When I first came to this place, there was a word mentioned quite often, that I knew absolutely nothing about, I don't even remember ever hearing the word.
Kept hearing about "pride" and how we have must die to it.
The only pride I ever heard about was something I was proud of for something you were, or had, or had done,
I had nothing to be proud of in any of that!
The only thing I suppose that I was proud of was my mustache... Tho I think it was more a "security blanket" issue. But that's pride too.
Not long after I had got here, Sister Adams sent me a tore off piece notebook paper with this scripture handwritten on it:
But he giveth more grace. Wherefore he saith, God resisteth the proud, but giveth grace unto the humble.
Well apparently, Deana knew exactly what kind of pride was being talked about.
I remember her kicking and screaming as if possessed, while Elder was praying for her in the old theater seats at church. She was NOT giving it up!
She always felt that her rights were being violated, and she was not going to put on any "airs" for anyone, that's why she hated this place so much. All she really ever had was her "feelings" and they were being assaulted, so she stayed in "defense of her feelings mode" at all times till she left.
She was only here just less than one year, and she did not come to many services with me. But every time she did come, it was major embarrassment for me. Not that she was an embarrassment to me, (tho she was that too) but that she would somehow always say or do something that would embarrass me.
But like I said before, my third service, (if I had any kind of a high chair experience, it ended that night... It was pushed over and I was booted out!). I was humiliated in front of everybody by A brother that sat on the platform, scolding me up one side then down the other, about something I was suppose to know I was not to do.
I went home that Sunday night and told Deana:
"If these people are trying to win people to their church, tactics like that ain't the way to do it!", it's probably a good thing that she didn't come to church that day because if she had she no doubt would have rubbed it in even more. :-/
The following Wednesday she got mad and took off with the car.
But still, I just had to come to church.
So I walked all the way down Soutel Avenue, got to the railroad tracks and there was (as usual) a stopped train. When I finally climbed over to the other side, there sat Brother Adams in his car!
"Ahhhh Yeah... I was thinking maybe you might need a ride to church tonight".
I kept hearing about this word pride.
My skull was still too numb to comprehend what it meant, and it never occurred to me to ask anyone.
I went through a few humiliating experiences trying to fit in.
One time I tried to join in with the youth to play basketball between services, I was absolutely no good and any kind of sports, ended up falling flat on my face sliding across the concrete breaking my glasses and ripping the buttons off my shirt.
Another time someone asked me, "have you ever been to a church like this?"
..."Oh yeah...I've been to all kinds of churches like this"
"Oh, okay" (they no doubt knew I was to proud to admit that I had not experienced anything like this).
Another time, the church would rent the roller skating rink at Cassett and Shirley Avenue, for a night at times.
So, to try to fit in and to be a part, I went even tho I'd never been on rolling skates my whole life. (I was 35 years old)
I rolled around fairly successful a couple times, I thought I was doing pretty good, felt good about myself...:-/ but just before a turn I lost it! I was fixin to fall...
No doubt looking like I was doing the dance "The Jerk" or the Watusi, whatever kind of gymnastics I could do that I would not fall and make a fool of myself, for all to see, I couldn't let myself fall. I jerked my way over to the outer rail, huffing and puffing amazed that I made it... Here comes Brother and Sister Dyal arm-n-arm strolling along, on the boardwalk outside the rink, he says with an odd look on his face, "it might would have been a little less painful if you just went ahead and fell" gave me an odd smirk of a smile and strolled on...
So as I am panting and trying to catch my breath again, as I am shaking my head in astonishment, I say to myself "WHAT⁉️" how do you just do THAT??
I didn't ask myself, what does that mean,
But, how do you just fall?
This has been my question since that day in 1991. Doing the Jerk and trying to figure out what I am not doing right, ever since. Trying to fit in.
I experienced and saw a lot of things, accumulated many bits and pieces, but no two pieces able to be put together to begin to formulate a fact in the 34 years before I got to this place... But I've been through a whole lot more, accumulating many more bits and pieces but also being able to put some of them together with earlier attained bits and pieces to where, finally I have a few facts which equals knowledge, in the 26 years I've been here.
"You shall know the truth and the truth shall make you free"
I had absolutely no knowledge of anything, what I did know, was, that I was full of; problems, insecurities, anxieties, nervousness, fears, shame and condemnation and I didn't really know how to do anything. And I was very hyper on top of it all, so full of energy but nowhere to spend it.
I didn't know nor could've known, that I was so full of... The thing that prohibited me from being repaired of all that my life had damaged.
I have spent the most of my existence alone, whether with people or alone.
As a child so many times, I was backhanded across the lips and bounced off the wall, "shut up and go to your room!"
I was made to know that whatever it was I said was insignificant.
This has been reinforced much along the way.
So as a self preservation tactic, I stay down in my hole like a rabbit, (ClickHere) never raising my head, fearing I get my head lobbed off by some kid knocking golf balls around in a field.
So most of my life has been spent in my mind. Here is where I am in my prison. Where I am doing life without parole!
This is where the work is going to be done.
2 Corinthians 10:4-6
(For the weapons of our warfare are not carnal, but mighty through God to the pulling down of strong holds;)
Casting down imaginations,
every high thing that exalteth itself against the knowledge of God, and
bringing into captivity every thought to the obedience of Christ;
having in a readiness to revenge all disobedience,
(when your obedience is fulfilled.)
If I am ever going to be free of my PRISON , that is being guarded by pride...
I must first, dispel all imaginations. Since my whole world is in my mind and until I am able to venture out of this pride guarded prison, I must differentiate fiction from fact. Cast down and captivate all imaginations, and lock them away and begin to starve them to death by giving them no life.
Next, I must herd and corral every high thing, even tho they are true, exalting themselves against the knowledge of God. Dwelling on negative and unprofitable thoughts are as damaging as dwelling on imaginations.
Therefore... to separate productive thoughts from non productive thoughts...
And the peace of God, which passeth all understanding, shall keep your hearts and minds through Christ Jesus.
Finally, brethren, whatsoever things are true, whatsoever things are honest,
whatsoever things are just, whatsoever things are pure, whatsoever things are lovely,
whatsoever things are of good report;
if there be any virtue,
and if there be any praise, think on these things.
So, what thoughts that do not fit into these guidelines need be brought into captivity till they can be dealt with as Jesus would deal with them if they were His to deal with.
I was in the hospital for three days in 1998. There were 2 times that a scripture was told to me, and I had no idea why it was told me.. First time Brother Dyal called me on the phone and told me to look at it, he didnt say why. Then my only visitor came to see me: Brother Fletcher and Brother Chappelear came by while on lunch break, Brother Fletcher told me also to read it, and did not tell me why.
And the people shall take them, and bring them to their place: and the house of Israel shall possess them in the land of the Lord for servants and handmaids:
and they shall take them captives, whose captives they were; and they shall rule over their oppressors.
And it shall come to pass in the day that the Lord shall give thee rest from thy sorrow, and from thy fear, and from the hard bondage wherein thou wast made to serve,
This sounds more and more of my prison that Ive been captive in...When I am in the land of the Lord (His rest, ceased from my own works) taking captive, my captivator,(my thoughts) and rule over them. (Free from my sorrow, fear, and hard bondage)
Then finally...its time to go on the offensive,
1 Corinthians 4:6 - and revenge all disobedience!
This will take the "putting on" (which is the progressive attaining thru "proving" yourself worthy to wear, as David said after King Saul tried to have David "put on" before the Goliath battle) of the WHOLE armor of God!
1 Samuel 17:39
and he assayed to go; for he had not proved it. And David said unto Saul, I cannot go with these; for I have not proved them.
Wherefore take unto you the whole armour of God, that ye may be able to withstand in the evil day, and having done all, to stand.
Stand therefore, having your LOINS GIRT ABOUT WITH TRUTH;
and having on the BREASTPLATE OF RIGHTEOUSNESS;
And your FEET SHOD with the preparation of the GOSPEL OF PEACE;
Above all, taking the SHIELD OF FAITH, wherewith ye shall be able to quench all the fiery darts of the wicked.
And take the HELMET OF SALVATION,
and the SWORD OF THE SPIRIT, which is the WORD OF GOD:
I NEED TO KNOW TRUTH!
So....to begin my quest....
I applied mine heart to know, and to search, and to seek out wisdom, and the reason of things, and to know the wickedness of folly, even of foolishness and madness:
And THATS what Ive been doing ever since.
I read the Bible.
I took notes in church,
I paid attention,
I read others notes if I had any available,
I even rewrote Louie' notes.
I listened to recordings, so many of them.
I watch the ministry.
I try to obey them that have the rule over me,
And be followers of them who are followers of Christ,
Did as my example did,
I made sure that I was at every single church function there was of any kind,
I positioned myself and family to be able to live right here on the church grounds since even before the new building was built in 1995.
I was given the "want" (which I likened to my only little ewe lamb, that God gave me) to be this, therefore I exercised that to the extent of my ability!
I was able to be Bro Dyal's head usher from 1992-2016 (which was such a learning adventure...unimaginable!!) (Click Here)
As the next few years went by I began to realize what this pride is and that I have more than anyone has!
What is this pride that I'm talking about here?
* Cannot admit it does not know.
* Won't let anyone tell him what to do, or how to do it.
* Or say "only God tells me what to do".
* Save face.
* Throw people under the bus or whatever it takes to save self.
* Suffer not long.
* Criticize and put down, and cause the other to go on the defense, so to bring down to their own level that they can equalize the competition, therefore, the loudest accusative spirit will have dominance over and superiority over.
* Be not your brother's keeper.
* Too significant (too good a peeler and masher) to blend with the rest of the mashed potatoes. That way they don't have to die like the other "mash-ees"
* Wont "yield" to others.
* Wont let anyone "one up on you".
* Wont obey or submit.
* Wont let others think you were told to do something.
* Will not suffer yourself to be defrauded.
* Never allow yourself to be vulnerable, protect and save self.
* Defend self, must have the last word.
As the minister said in the Wichita ministers meeting 2016
"Perfect love casteth out all fear"
He said because there is no pride in perfect love"
There is only one WAY out of this prison:
Jesus saith unto him, I am the way, the truth, and the life: no man cometh unto the Father, but by me.
So what is HIS WAY?
For he shall grow up before him as a tender plant,
and as a root out of a dry ground:
he hath no form nor comeliness;
and when we shall see him, there is no beauty that we should desire him.
He is despised and rejected of men;
a man of sorrows, and acquainted with grief:
and we hid as it were our faces from him;
he was despised, and we esteemed him not.
A crucified way...
For if ye live after the flesh, ye shall die: but if ye through the Spirit do mortify the deeds of the body, ye shall live.
The place of the scripture which he read was this, He was led as a sheep to the slaughter; and like a lamb dumb before his shearer, so opened he not his mouth:
In his humiliation his judgment was taken away: and who shall declare his generation? for his life is taken from the earth.
So the sum of the matter, is...when we put in for this life as opposed to the death that we were already of...
We signed up for this death that it's going to take to obtain His LIFE.
This death is the death of the cross.
Take up your cross and follow him.
Just like he did.
He had to learn obedience by the things that he suffered.
He submitted to the death that he had to die,
Saying, "Father, if thou be willing, remove this cup from me; nevertheless not MY WILL, but THINE, be done. This shows that He Had a different "will" than The Father, which "in an agony He prayed more earnestly: and His sweat was (AS IT WERE) great drops of blood falling down to the ground.
Blood being the life of a thing, He sweat (as it were) the last drops of His life...His WILL...the very last drop of His temporal life back down to the earth, from whence it came, that His "Not" temporal life life is taken from the earth.
Verily, verily, I say unto you, Except a corn of wheat fall into the ground and die, it abideth alone: but if it die, it bringeth forth much fruit. He that loveth his life shall lose it; and he that hateth his life in this world shall keep it unto life eternal.
A perfect without spot or blemish sacrifice.
And that He opened not his mouth as a lamb led to the slaughter.
In his humiliation His judgment was taken away.
This is how you just fall!
Vulnerability, to "just fall" means: you can't even throw your hands out to protect yourself from falling.
You submit to the death, even of humiliation, to where, one day you won't ever be able to be humiliated again!
There will be no pride protecting self in you, your judgment is taken away.
There is therefore now no condemnation to them that are in Christ Jesus.
Condemnation is an earthly tie, that will never let you go...
When you see Him, you shall be like Him. And every man that hath this hope in him purifieth himself even as He is pure.
Trust God, faith, hope, charity, Humility...IS the answer
That I may know him, and the power of his resurrection, and the fellowship of his sufferings, being made conformable unto his death; If by any means I might attain unto the resurrection of the dead.